I am so frustrated.

I never thought about it until he mentioned it and now that he’s mentioned it, I can’t get it out of my mind. 

And to top that off, he’s avoiding me. 

Isn’t it amazing we can see the beauty in our best friends, sisters, mothers, and aunts without the slightest thought to their flaws … but can obsess for hours on our own imperfections?”

MINDBLOWN

Just did a mean workout and have been active all day so I forgive myself

FUCK today was meant to be a good day fuck fuck fuck fuck ok chill out it’s ok you live and you learn ok next time I will know better it’s ok it’s ok ITS OKAY

The fact that he commented on my insta photo from like 3 weeks ago obviously shows that he must have been looking through my photos and even though it wasn’t anything special it’s still kind of flattering because I’m glad he still actually thinks of me.

But then I’m just kinda annoyed that he won’t just talk to me instead of just commenting or liking or following. Grow some balls boy

love

healthy

days 

:)))))

Friday was flat fat Friday because we made a fort and watched movies and ate cake and pizza. It was fab.

I have been craving mm’s for so long. In the past, when I felt overwhelmed or tired or craved unhealthy food (like I have been feeling this week) I would have just caved in and eaten mm’s. and felt so amazing whilst eating them but then I would have gone through a major low and felt guilty and disgusting.

But I didn’t cave in. And looking back on this weekend, I feel like I should have just had the mm’s on fat Friday because I have been craving them for so long and then I wouldn’t crave them until next fat Friday. That would have been logical, but that isn’t reality! I craved unhealthy food so bad on Saturday so I had leftover pizza and cake and cookies instead. When in reality I should have just had the mm’s. But hey, this is the learning process.

But I’m still so happy at how far I have come. Usually, getting back on the bandwagon after a couple of bad eating/binge days is so super hard and it would have definitely involved so many tears and it would have probably carried out for so long, with me saying “tomorrow will be better” but tomorrow would never be better. I would have kept binging for about 2 weeks then something would finally make me eat healthy, then I’d go on my health kick again for a while, then binge again etc etc the cycle goes on.

But lately it has been so different. It’s getting progressively easier to limit my binge days and I feel as though I’m having more healthy days than binge days now. And I feel as though that’s such a HUGE achievement for me.

Today I ate healthy and there was only one point at which I felt like caving in. But the most important part is that I didn’t and I was healthy all day and I feel so amazing and I feel so happy because this kind of little progress is what makes my day and I am so proud and I can so fucking do this.

Mum told me I had to go to the doctor to get my sore throat checked out and the only one open today is white cross. So I went (even though I didn’t want to) and wasted fucking $97 just for a fucking throat infection and I’m so mad and upset with everything in my life that I just cried all the way home.

I need to be proud of my small accomplishments.

For example, today. A month ago or even a couple of weeks ago, I would have just caved in and eaten all of the dessert or gone and wasted my money on binge food but instead I told myself that I had already had a normal serving, wasn’t hungry anymore and put the rest in the fridge. Then busied myself with other things rather than food.

And I just know that all of this week and especially today, I could so easily have caved in and eaten anything I wanted and went and bought anything I wanted… but I didn’t and I need to be fucking proud of that.

I have been so hungry lately and it’s starting to annoy me now because I am definitely eating enough so what is going on?? I literally just ate and I’m still hungry. And now because I just want to eat everything and anything I so wish I could just go and get pizza and mm’s because I’m craving so much but I just know that doing that won’t help me whatsoever but holy mother of god I hate this feeling