People that only talk about themselves frustrates me beyond comprehension
Currently feeling like absolute shit because (a). I binged today (b). I’m not having a good body image day, my legs feel huge, my arms feel huge, my tummy feels huge (c). I really have feelings for him and I wish he would talk to me but it sucks because nothing is going to happen and that makes me sad (d). I’m so scared because it’s getting warmer and warmer and I have less and less to wear because I’m so big and self conscious that I don’t have enough confidence to wear any of my colder clothes
I’m starting to freak the fuck out because it’s beginning to get so much warmer therefore meaning that it’s almost shorts weather but how the fuck am I meant to start wearing shorts again when my legs are huge and I feel so self conscious?
So I’m in the mood where I could so easily binge. I’ve had so many triggers today and right now wow I’m totally in the mood to binge massively.
I went for Forte with Cass and I was so so so tempted to just buy so much chocolate, but I stopped myself. I got sorbet instead. Sorbet isn’t super healthy, but so much better than buying chocolate because I know I would have just ended up binging on that. So I’m pretty stoked that I made a better decision when I know that I’m in such a vulnerable state in this present moment.
Lately I’ve been talking to people about first impressions (just randomly pops up in conversation, I haven’t specifically brought it up which is even weirder).
Last night I was “studying” with Sam and Josh. And we had a fat chat about who doesn’t like us/why.
And Josh was telling me that people were more intimidated by me more than anything. Sam went on to say that I was self assured and these kinds of people usually seem quite intimidating/stand offish.
Cass also told me that she was intimidated by me when she first met me, because I was confident and straight up.
It has honestly opened my eyes so much. I don’t consider myself to be confident or self assured. At all. So it’s just so weird and amazing that people view me so much differently to how I view myself. It’s so so weird. And it just goes to show faking confidence works a treat
I think I do have feelings for him. I don’t feel stupid about it. I would rather that I didn’t, but I can’t change it. I want something to happen, but I think he finds me stand offish and he probably thinks I want nothing to do with him. So I’m going to be friendly to him and not be so mean/stand offish because I just want him to know
And I know he probably doesn’t share the same feelings but hey I guess I can always try and see where this goes? Ugh 😔
He’s talking to her again and it should not be upsetting me as much as it is
I got 3 hours sleep last night because I couldn’t stop thinking about everything. It was annoying, but it was cleansing.
I was so tired when I got back from uni. I lied in bed and wanted to sleep but then got up and forced myself to go to the gym. And I actually had an ok workout. I did quite a bit of strength training and now I’ve started this I’m gonna keep making myself workout because I always get into patterns so I need to make this workout pattern again.
I also thought a lot about my size today. I was uncomfortable all day. Because of my size. I’m always uncomfortable. And I think that realisation is motivation enough to make me think twice about using food as comfort and binging. I need to lose weight. I am so uncomfortable and unconfident in my own skin and this cannot go on. It needs to stop. I need to be able to live my life without worrying and stressing about the size of my body. I need to stop using food as comfort. I need to suck it up.
I keep complaining about my size and I do try hard to prevent comfort eating but I need to try harder. I can’t let this stupid eating disorder take over any more of my life than it already has and I can’t let it rule my thoughts anymore. It has to stop.