the ball is in a week and im going downhill

i feel so disgustingĀ 

Today has been shit from beginning to end. I woke up feeling absolutely disgusting and fat from my binge last night. And then during the day I felt so worthless and unloved and ugh I just did not feel good at all today šŸ˜”

And now I’m getting anxious and scared because I feel like I’m slipping back and I’m finding it really hard to get back to eating normally so I’m hoping placements for the next 2 days will keep me away from junk food and thus help me to get back on track…

I’m craving junk food really bad right now and it’s getting me down heaps and I have to study but I can’t stop thinking about food

this cannot be happening it’s just going to end badly and he’s going to hurt me again and i cant let this happen again because nothing will ever come from this and it won’t work and why the fuck am i thinking like this now when i went so long antagonising it?

Since the beginning of this semester I’ve actually been filling my days with so much. I actually get things done now and I wake up early and go to bed late and in between I do so much when before I used to justĀ lie in bed Ā and watch online TV and blog and look on fb for hours on end…

I am now actually being productive and using my precious time wisely. And it makes me so happy going to bed at night knowing that I’ve actually accomplished something with my day.

I think my period of recovery (since the beginning of the year) has probably come at the best time. I have had since the beginning half of the year to get through the worst parts of my eating disorder, I have the second half of the year to learn and implement the strategies to deal with it, and the next year (and next and next and next) to strengthen these strategies.

Any sooner, and I wouldn’t have learnt any lessons from what I’ve gone through. Any later, and I probably would have had to drop out on uni considering that 2nd year is insane and having an eating disorder on top of that would have been catastrophic for my mental and physical health.

I’m thankful that I have been given this time of my life to recover and learn new strategies and new perspectives just in time for next year which is probably going to be one of the most stressful yet rewarding times of my life.

I’m just thankful that I made the choose to recover at the beginning of the year instead of next year or worse still years down the track…

I’m getting scared and anxious about the workload for this semester, with placements ON TOP of all the work I already have to do. And they say year 2 is even harder, so I’m getting even more scared about that.

But at his point I just need to back the back up, breathe in, out and chill. I just need to remember that I can do this, I can do this, I can do this

I’m kind of gutted because he’s moved to Auckland and he’s moving in with Allan and Holly Edwards and a few others and I’m just jealous because I would love to be able to see him everyday

And I’m so scared because I don’t even know where to live next year like I’m thinking I’m gonna live in WSA again but what happens if I get shit flat mates again I don’t want to go through the process of having to change flats again because it was so much effort…